Hey man, sorry to hear about your heart attack. I guess spearheading that bacon meme finally caught up with you, huh? I got you a card and, well, I didn’t know what else to get, so I picked up this Bacon Salt Ultimate Bacon Lover’s Gift Pack.

Yeah, we had some good times: “Press Button, Receive Bacon,” bacon bikinis, Diet Coke with Bacon, Gummy Bacon, to say nothing of the myriad recipes. You inspired a generation, man. You should’ve practiced a little moderation with regard to your actual consumption, though.

But now you can get sweet bacon flavor on anything without all the saturated fat and pork. Plus you’ve got all these flavors: Cheddar, Maple, and Applewood. It’s got no calories, it’s vegetarian, heck it’s even Kosher! You can slather this Baconnaise stuff on just about anything, too. Sandwiches, um…well, mostly sandwiches, I guess. But you could use it in salad dressing or something.

This’ll be just as good, man, I promise. Now instead of missing that bacon your doctor says you can’t eat ever again, you can make everything else taste like bacon! French fries! Hot dogs! Sausage! Blocks of cheese! Ice cream! Turduck- oh, really? None of that stuff? Jeez, man, what the heck are you going to eat?

Well, I guess the salt will be pretty good on vegetables. Might make ‘em palatable, anyway. Who knows? Maybe steamed cauliflower just needs a little bacon kick and it turns all delicious. I’m tellin’ you pal, this salt is going to help you transition to healthy eating.

Oh.

Hey man, the doc just put the brakes on this whole thing. Did you know salt isn’t good for heart patients, either? Well at least you’ve got this lip balm. Although, that kinda seems like torture.